it might've been sunny and humid during the day here in england, but the second that the sun went down so did the temperature. it wasn't anything near freezing, but it was enough to make carson throw a jacket on before leaving the apartment. and there was just something about grator slums that made everything seem a bit more chilly. maybe it was the unwelcoming atmosphere of the whole place. to anyone who didn't know this part of the city, the slums was a pretty scary place. but to the people who lived here, it was just home. sure they weren't living the high life like the people in buxington, and not even the mediocre life like the folks of aeidale. but at least they were living. that had to count for something, right? some of the rich people living in the plaza probably never felt at home in their large mansions, but the inhabitants of the slums could say more than that. they might live in filth but at least they made homes out of what little they had. even carson, who lived all by himself, had made his tiny little one room studio apartment into a home. he felt at ease in his little room, even when he could hear the neighbors next door fighting or when he heard the man in the next apartment over beating on his wife. the walls we paperthin, that was for sure. but carson had learned to block those things out and just stay calm. one should feel afraid when they can hear gun shots right down the street, but carson had learned how to deal with everything. living in a place like the slums could really do that to someone. even someone as scared and alone as carson williams.
and to top things off, carson didn't have the most safe job on the face of the earth. you see, carson had been working at starbucks before tyson left. and with the help of his brother's income he had been able to afford the apartment. but without tyson he had to find a job with a little better pay. and now carson ws daily running drugs for the thunder shack. probably not the most rewarding job and it definitely didn't have benefits. but at least carson was making enough to afford his dink little apartment. that was all that really mattered to him. as long as his ass wasn't out on the streets like the homeless people that he despised so much, then he was good to go. although the other day jullia had mentioned something about them getting an apartment together. but while carson loved her to death, he didn't know whether or not he could really stand being with her twenty - four - seven. he was just fickle like that with all people. he could take most people in small amounts but if he had to spend over twelve hours with the same people then he started getting shitty with everyone. carson was a boy full of drama and attitude and any who knew him knew exactly that. it was the same reason that he wasn't able to maintain many friends and also the reason that he'd never had a boy friend in his life. it took a strong person to really put up with carson williams. but the person who was able to stick by his side was a friend for life. because carson knew he was hard to put up with, he wouldn't deny it, and so he figured people that stuck with him really did deserve his friendship. he'd put jullia through a shitload before she finally earned the title of his best friend. so yeah, you could say that carson williams was your average drama queen, with a penis.
so why exactly was carson lurking around outside on such a chilly night? that was the million dollar question. carson had basically been running around town all day. being a drug runner was sort of hard when you refused to ride in any automobile. so carson really took the runner part of the drug title seriously. lucky for carson, tonight wasn't one of his nights that he actually had to run all night. those only came ocassionally and he'd had one a few days back. so he was basically safe for tonight. but after a whole day of running across directions, carson never really did feel like doing much of anything. his job had seriously wiped out all prospects of carson ever having a social life, but it wasn't like he had ever had one anyways. but right, back to carson being outside. you see, carson was a little bit ocd about certain things. and he sort of refused to smoke in his apartment, even though everyone else did it in theirs. he just didn't want his damned apartment smelling like friggen' smoke for the rest of forever. he preferred a more citrus smell anyways. and so carson usually found himself out somewhere around the apartment building late at night smoking a cigarette, and sometimes a blunt. but he wasn't in a drug sort of mood tonight and so it was a simple cigarette. it was a bad habit, and carson knew it, but he was no where near addicted. he only smoked when he got horribly stressed. and as of lately he'd been working so much that he was started to get horribly stressed out. like he felt so helpless about it all. like he worked so hard and at the end of the month almost everything went right toward the rent. he was scraping it all together to make ends meet. and that was something any normal nineteen year old shouldn't have to be doing. he should be off at college somewhere getting an education and going to crazy frat parties and living up his life. but instead he was here stuck running drugs and living all by himself.
carson tended to walk while he smoked and so he had ended up ambling his way down messenger alley. he steps were slow and carefully placed in the dirty alley, not wanting to disturb the peace. he stuck out like a sore thumb amongst all the filth. because, while he might be poor now, he hadn't been back in america. and he had brought all of his clothes with him so he still had a nice wardrobe. but the bums that lived along messenger probably could give a rats ass about carson's clothing unless they were planning on stealing it. carson flicked his eyes to the side as he caught sight of some moving. a couple small children were huddled together right next to a dumpster. "shit," carson muttered under his breath unhappily. while he hated homeless people, he had a soft spot for their children. seeing as it wasn't really the kids fault that they were in that sort of position. carson could only imagine where the little boys' parents were. they probably had some non - existant father who left before they were born. and their mom, she was probably off giving some guy a lap dance at the strip club so she could support her drug habit. that's the way it went with all the homeless kids. they were normally stuck in that position because their parents were more in love with drugs than they were with their own damned kids. carson would have loved to help them, would have jumped at the chance, but he could hardly support himself. the second he tried to help the kids he'd be out here just like them. and so carson moved his gaze back to the path right in front of him, trying to push the kids from his mind. he was nearing the end of the alley. the last little stretch where no homeless people really wanted to live. it was warmer right there in the middle, but the edges had heavy airflow and so they steered clear of them. and suddenly carson's feet were feeling like lead weights. he stopped along one side of the brick wall and slouched into it until he was sitting on the ground. probably not the most fantstic place in the world to sit, but carson just needed to rest for a moment. he took a long drag from his cigarette, letting the smoke out in small puffs. shit. what the hell was carson doing with his life?
Theodore Cooper. You wouldn’t, if having known him before he came out to England, thought of him as living in a dingy area where you really didn’t know who to trust and really where was even safe. But that was exactly the type of place Theo was living now. Theo had always lived in huge homes, his father and mother both having made a lot of money and his father had enough to still provide more then enough care for the family even when his mother did leave them. So when Theo had actually got the guts to just do everything on his own he had lost quite a bit of money, he wouldn’t have even been close to being able to school if he hadn’t gotten the scholarship that he did get but now he was quite tight on cash and had no choice but to live where he was. In a place that he didn’t even trust sleeping in. Theo was a very jumpy person, he always had issues with thinking people would rob his house, kill him or anything else hence why he tried not to watch horror films or anything anymore because of his wild imagination. But theo being in this neighbourhood was quite bad for theo, he hated it and as much as he tried to get used to it all he just was having a very tough time doing so. It wasn’t like nothing had happened to him yet or anything but he could hear everything from his apartment and often times he would wake up multiple times in the night to something smashing or yelling, or something being slammed into a wall. Theo would often just curl up in a ball under the blankets he had and try and shut out all the noise that was around him which was exactly how he fell asleep each night and to him it was quite horrible having to fall asleep that way every night, plus it was very uncomfortable. Theo normally didn’t go to sleep till all hours of the money because he had to be completely exhausted in order to get to sleep even. He definitely did notice the money change when coming to this town for sure. But he never mentioned ever having money, or anything about his past really because theo just didn’t think of that as something important.
Theo still had all of his clothes from back when he was still living under his fathers money, actually he hadn’t really lived with his father for quite a few years since he was in multiple boarding schools but all his clothing and everything was bought by his father. So Theo did have quite decent clothing still, thank god for not growing much in the past few years, so he had a nice wardrobe, that well was in boxes on his floor in the apartment. When decided to go out walking tonight, just to get out of the place and the loneliness of it all, he had thrown on a pair of simple black jeans, one of his favourite tshirts and a green and white striped sweater, which he found made him look decent enough to be wandering around anyways. It wasn’t like he was going to go far since he didn’t like going around by himself. He would probably wander around for a while and then he would be back in his place unless something either happened to him or he actually met up with one of the few friends he had. Though theo was shy he still did crave other peoples company even if it was just the basics of sitting beside them, it made him feel a bit safer anyways. Theo was really quite child like that way, like you could just hold him because of him getting scared so easily and that would be the only way to calm him down at times. He was always very scared of things happening, yet nothing like that has ever happened to him, this must be just from watching the news when he was younger too much. Theo it really did depend on the person on how much he could handle of being around them, like if they were really bouncy and hyper small doses was probably all he could handle. He didn’t do well with people that talked a lot and had a lot of energy, not because he couldn’t keep up with them it was just they gave him a headache and they always seemed to expect him to talk just as much, which was exactly what theo wouldn’t do. Since he was soft spoken, rarely talked and when he talked it was only around people he was comfortable with. Or he needed the quiet to end. Theo tended to easily make friends with people that were opposite of him instead of the same. Because really two really quiet people would be a very boring conversation in the end.
Theo always trusted people too easily, because as much as he was shy and very aware of everything he also was someone who wanted friendship because of the lack in family life and all. So he believed his friends to be like a family to him, since they were the only ones he went to when things went bad but even so because he wanted friends so badly he often trusted the wrong people and had got quite broken up over people because of things that they did. Really theo still hasn’t come to face the fact that people are cruel. And that most of them care about themself over anyone else. Theo didn’t put others before himself but he didn’t put himself before others, he just did what he thought was best at the time even if it hurt him as well, or if it hurt others. He didn’t have second thoughts on these type things, he just went with what he thought he should do. Being very independent it was odd for him to second guess himself, because he believed that you couldn’t be properly independent if you weren’t believing in yourself because eventually you would rely on others to pick up the pieces that you broke of yourself from self doubt. Then again theo could never explain his thinking properly and half the time it didn’t make sense why he thought that. Theo was incredibly smart yet he lacked communication skills so he always found it hard to explain to people what he was thinking. Theo wasn’t exactly paying much attention to where he was walking, he didn’t even realize he was out of the apartment till he finally started listening around him. It was quite quiet tonight and after looking around he realized he had entered messenger alley, somewhere he didn’t like to go, which is why he kept his eyes narrowed ahead of him and didn’t pay attention to anyone in this place. Shoving his hands in his pockets he clung to his smokes which were there and the other hand his lighter, which he didn’t even remember grabbing but it was his way of just enduring the frightening place that he was walking through. Well frightening to him anyways, yet life was frightening to him. Theo knew it was his choice to be living like this, i mean he had a nice degree and all from uni but he decided he wanted to see just how life was without all the money, because Theo never wanted to be completely rich all the time, because he never would understand just what people had to go through otherwise. So this was an experience in itself, this is what he kept telling himself anyways. But this was one decision he sort of second guessed.
As he came to the ending of the alley he began to relax again moving his hands from his pockets his arms swinging freely once again a small smile upon his face from finally being able to get out of this place, though near the end he caught someone else there and it sort of made him stop in his tracks literally. He just stood there staring at Carson for a few minutes, studying him wondering if it was okay for him to go and sit down beside him. Theo liked Carson, he was a fairly good friend and all he just sort of scared him as well. Theo never liked getting on people’s nerves or getting yelled at or anything but he shook his head his hair moving forward so you couldn’t see his eyes as clearly, wearing his glasses right now so it was basically impossible to see his clear blue eyes all that well anymore. But he took a deep breath and went and slid down the brick wall sitting on the ground beside him. He brought his knees to his chest and hugged them tight resting his chin on them staring at him not sure if it was okay letting the smell of smoke be breathed in by himself. Theo was quite addicted to smoking, hence why he brought a pack of smokes everywhere yet he didnt pull out one as much as it was tempting. He was quite cold at the moment so he felt better just sitting there in a ball staring at him. Closing his eyes for a moment he looked over at him ‘what are you doing here’ he murmured quiet. Stupid question but even a hello sounded stupid. Who would meet up with someone in an alley like this one unless looking for drugs or something, which theo was not. Biting down on his lower lip he looked at the ground, like he was waiting for permission to speak more. His voice was quite high pitched and soft for a guy but he always ignored comments like those and he figured he would right now rather listen to himself talk then the shuffling you could hear coming from behind.
carson hadn't always lived in the slums, you know? before he moved to damned england with tyson he had lived in america. all of his younger life and all the way up until he was seventeen carson had lived in one of the nicer parts of his town. he had lived in a place equivalent to buxington plaza. right before they had moved to england carson had lived in a small apartment with tyson but even then, they had been in a nice part of town. nothing in his life had ever prepared him for living some place like grator slums. he'd never even seen anything as bad as grator back in america. sure, he watched stuff on the news about places like this. but he had never really dreamed about living somewhere like this. and so when he had first got here it had been like a swift kick in the face. carson hadn't really known what to do with himself and he remember crawling in to bed with his older brother on the first few nights just from sherely being scared out of his mind. but with time anyone could get used to the slums. never really feel totally at home or totally safe, but people could get used to the ways of it. it really wasn't until after tyson had left for his touring or whatever that carson had really gotten used to the place. and that was only because he had to since he was all alone. he didn't have anyone to protect him anymore and so that meant that he had to toughen up a little bit. and carson really had toughened up a lot. just a few days ago he'd watched dameon kill two damned people. if that didn't toughen someone up then carson didn't know what the hell did. and running drugs around the city really helped a lot too. he had learned how to lay low and not be noticed. and not being noticed was something that really helped in the slums. his clothes normally didn't help too much with that though.
and even though he was alone, carson was satisfied for the most part. he had a handful of friends that he hung out with when he had the time and he had milly. carson had always thought that whole "dog is a man's best friend" saying was crap. but that was before he had milly. and now that he did have the little dog, he understood. milly was the one that was there for carson to cuddle up to every night when he sometimes got scared. and she was the one who was always happy to see him, no matter what he looked like and no matter what his mood. so yeah, caron's best friend was his damned dog. but he didnt even care anymore. carson had never really been the grateful type for friendship. like he enjoyed the company but he never let himself get too attatched to anyone. he just felt friends came and went all the time. and who knew how long he was really going to be stuck in directions? tyson could hit the big time anyday now and then carson would join his brother on the road so he could expierence all of that. but when carson had talked to tyson a few days his brother had informed him that he was over in ireland and business wasn't going too hot. so maybe carson would be stuck here for a while. he just hoped that tyson would make it big so that he could get out of this hell hole and actually live it up like he used to. it was just that people were all so fickle about hiring a handicapped musician. carson could understand and everything but it was so stupid at the same time. some of the best musicians ever were handicapped in one way or another. look at ray charles and little richie. they'd both been blind. so why did it matter that his brother was in a wheel chair? that didn't effect his playing or the quality of his voice. and carson knew his brother was attractive so that should have helped too, but it didn't. people just took one look at that damned wheelchair and sent him off. and it was all carson's fault ..
carson tried to not blame himself, but he had been the one driving and that had made all the difference. if he would have been paying more attention then bren would still be alive and tyson would still be walking. but he'd gotten so caught up in just havign fun that he had let his mind wander and his focus drift. he beat himself up everyday over it. carson was torn from his thoughts when he heard someone walking down the alley. he glanced up quickly in time to see a familiar face. theo cooper. he looked a little too relaxed and happy for walking down messenger alley. especially for theo. carson knew that he was a scared kid a lot of the time. and carson couldn't blame him, look where they lived. and theo was just a small kid with such a quiet personality. this place could scare anyone like that. so seeing theo swinging his arms around and slightly smiling was a huge shocker for carson. he and theo were friends, that was easy enough to see when they were together. but it was complicated. since carson was never nice to anyone at all that was the same with theo. but it was harder with theo since he was such a soft soul, you know? but even that didn't keep carson from being a jerk to him a lot of the time. he was able to tell that theo wasn't to fond of it, but that had never stopped carson before. but he wasn't a constant jerk because he was normally not like that with anyone at all. carson was capable of being decent to people when he felt like it, especially when he considered someone a friend. and so theo was lucky enough to see that nice side of him sometimes. not all the time, but on ocassion. and carson sometimes tried to throw a little extra nice in there for theo just because he was so cute. but sometimes he just couldn't help himself. carson was just complicated like that. like he could even be crushing on someone and still act like a total jerk to them just because he had this horribly supereority complex. and with people like theo sometimes that came out a little more than with others just because carson knew he could get away with it without a fight.
carson dropped his gaze away from theo, maybe slightly hoping that he wouldn't notice him. but he was still looking at him from the corner of his eye. it was hard not to laugh as theo stopped and tried to decide whether or not to say something. he'd already stopped, so now if he walked away he would look stupid and carson probably would have yelled out something at him even if he hadn't decided to stop. that's just how carson was. sometimes he didn't even want to talk to someone and yet he'd still say something to them just because he wanted to get noticed. all eyes on carson, all the time. that's how he wanted it. carson smirked to himself as theo finally decided to come over and sit down. carson had known he would the second he saw him. just because he was theo and that was what he did. carson turned his head slightly so that he could look at theo, who was already staring at him. he looked too cute with his glasses on even though carson would never admit that to him. carson preferred to get the compliments, not give them. "what's it look like theo?" carson muttered before taking another drag of his cigarette. he titled his head up so that the smoke went upwards instead of right in theo's face. a small act of curteosy on carson's part. "but what are you doing down here?" carson asked curiously, cocking his head slightly to the side. he really would like to hear this explination since it was so suprising to see theo down an alley in the middle of the night. "unless you were stalking me," carson said with a smirk, giving theo a light shove on the side of his leg. carson liked to think everyone was always following him and always watching him because he was just that great. what a cocky bastard.
Theo definitely knew what it was like to be alone. Actually that was one of the only feelings he was well acquainted to. He didn’t really know what it was like to be loved, he didn’t know what it was like to have friends, to be able to laugh a lot or really to even feel comfortable around people. Theo had, once his mother left, basically been treated as someone that his father just had to pay for. Never really like a family member, even with his family, other then his father they didn’t treat him as much of a sibling either. Since his mother left he was shipped from one boarding school to another, never with siblings or anything. He never had anyone to protect him, it was always protect himself or be the one used and abused. Unfortunately theo was much too shy and quiet, sometimes to the point of almost being mute that he got picked on al the time. Used all the time, anything that would hurt him more and more. So being alone here once again was nothing different from the other times. He never did like the feeling of being alone but it was something that you got used to. Its not to say that he wouldn’t prefer someone to snuggle up to when he was scared or feeling incredibly lonely, he just learned to deal with the fact that he wasn’t sure if he would have someone to feel protected around, to feel safe. Theo had gave up on that idea quite a while ago. Because for him it was something that just wasn’t possible. Yet even so Theo had nice things, he lived in nice places, had people all around him that were soaked in cash, so coming here was both a big reality check and a harsh environment for him to even imagine. Yet he believed this was going to help him become stronger, it just was taking a while. He was such a small and insecure person it was hard for him not to feel afraid all the time, the one always hurt, he expected it to hurt even more here so he hid once again. And Theo was definitely not coming out of that shell of his any time soon either. He would be for quite a while scared yet never one to stand up for himself. Because that was what he had chosen.
Theo was never good with keeping friends, often time it was seldom to see him around anyone and even when he was around someone it seemed like some puppy following his owner on a leash. Theo always looking insecure and alone. It was how theo was with basically everyone. He couldn’t say that he didn’t have any friends, andhe didn’t care about anyone or anything because Theo had quite a big heart, he just never really used it, since there was nobody there that ever really felt that they needed him around long enough. He would have a friend for a few months and then they would leave, with some excuse or another. There was only so many times people could keep doing that before Theo would get the hint that he was going to go through a lot of friends, just not many of them were actually going to want to stay friends with him for a long time. So he learned to rely only on himself, his family being people he didn’t even know let alone trust, and his friends, well they changed on a day to day basis so who was there to really trust except for himself and his pwn instincts. Thats what it all came down to in theos mind, whether or not you could trust yourself, because really it was you yourself and your own decisions on what happened in your life. And maybe theo had just made one too many bad decisions in his life for it to actually come about alright. Because frankly looking at it right now theo wasn’t doing all that great and he didn’t know if he expected himself too. Yeah maybe he would get a good ob in the future and find some better friends but he believed that to be it. He barely could get alone with girls let alone ever love them, and the guys well they just stayed away from him, because he really didn’t seem appealing half the time just because he had a dark look about him. He could only guess this feeling of being alone was stuck there and he didn’t have anyone to rely on. Not even a best friend. Hell he didn’t even know what a best friend was anymore. Except for what is written in the dictionary, and thats a pretty placed answer for something that really he believes is something needed in everyones lives.
Theo knew it was easy to blame yourself for things, Theo did it all the time, he especially blamed his mother’s walking out on himself. And still does actually. Theo was always trying to help his mother, always and he believed he must have done something wrong in the process of that which was what made her eventually just leave him and never come back even when he needed just someone, he didn’t care who, or how bad there life was, to love him. To treat him as someone that they actually care about. Yet theo did also realize it wasn’t just his fault, and it was inevitably his mothers own fault too. Which he believed was something even he now struggled with believing, because it was much easier to blame yourself for something then blaming someone else. Because feelings are always too strong of a thing to be dealing with, especially when its something that has caused hardship on yourself. Theodore had always been a very small and timid person. He had always been used by his friends and theo always took it. Thinking that if he took it enough they would eventually realize that he would do anything just for the friendship they were sort of offering. Yet often times not one of them realized he would take whatever just so he could be there friend. Carson was sort of the same, yet slightly different as well. Though he was quite a jerk to him there was a friendship between them. A quite difficult one, but a friendship. Though he was used to being treated poorly by his “friends” he found that he never would be okay with it, he always wished for it to stop. Which was exactly what he wished of Carson, yet he knew also that was just the way he was. It wasn’t just him treating him like a jerk, but he treated everyone else just the same. Yet theo stuck around because there were times that he had no problem with Carson and he was actually able to smile and laugh so easily it just felt right. Yet those didn’t happen all that often, yet it was enough for him to stick around. Most people you wouldn’t get sticking around for something like that but theo loved seeing just some nice points in his friendship with Carson, even if they weren’t all nice and Theo knew he would do anything for him as long as he didn’t have to break yet another friendship. He wanted to start new here and Carson being one of the first people he met, it made it quite easy for Theo to stick by him even if Theo seemed completely weak and looked as if half the time he wanted to run away, because Carson he could at least say was a friend.
Theo was quite easy to read, as much as he tried to not be noticed, ad tried not to be understood it was always easy to know what he was going to do and what he felt. Theo knew this for a fact too, but that was what always confused him about people, if they could easily figure out he just wanted friends why not treat him like a friend instead of like a piece of dirt your supposed to walk on. Theo had seen Carson and though eh tried to think if it was okay to go see him he would take his chances of getting treated like crap just because he wanted to see Carson. It was obvious. Yet Theo had also been happy just for the simplicity of getting out of the alley. He wouldn’t be smiling if you found him a bit further back in the alleyway but now that he was feeling the cool air and it wasn’t so hard to really breathe and not feel so much despair it made him feel a lot lighter. As he sat down next to Carson he wasn’t sure whether he regretted it or not, actually theo lately had been having a lot of issues with just trying to understand exactly what he was doing and why he was doing it. Because theo just wanted to know why he did things and why he took risks when it meant just shattering his heart more then it already was, which his heart really was quite damaged. A blush creeped up into his cheeks as he got a sarcastic remark back from Carson looking down at the ground his lips having gone dry ‘sorry, stupid question’ he muttered looking away from him still being able to see him but paying attention ore to the few flies that flew around then him just because he always felt like the weaker one when around him. Which was completely true since theo was weak to most people, because he just had the way of feeling like the lesser one over the other. ‘i didn’t really pay attention to where i was walking so thats how i got here. I just walked’ he said with a very slight smile, one that would be barely noticed by most others. The answer sounded stupid but it was completely true, that was all that happened. He had just walked and somehow managed to move over into this area. One that he wasn’t quite so acquainted with since it was one alley that he knew should probably be avoided, especially by someone like him. A small giggle escaped from him as he buried his head so that Carson couldn’t see his face between his arms ‘yeah well as much as you would like that Carson i do have more things to do then stalk someone as lovely as yourself’ he said looking up from his “hiding stop” his eyes being the only thing visible but you could tell that he was smiling. A shy smile that you only saw when he was both happy and content with the person he was with. Which just happened to be Carson at that given moment.
living with tyson had been like the highlight of carson's life. sure it would have been better if brennon was still around, but having one brother was betting than having no brothers at all. carson kenw very well that he could have easily lost both of his brothers that day. and the thought of that really scared him. around that time all that carson had were his brothers. and if he would have lost both of them, he didn't know what he would have done. look what losing one brother had done to him .. carson still had the scars to prove how depressed he had been. but losing both brothers? carson probably wouldn't be here today if he had lost both of them to that car crash. but tyson was still alive, even if he wasn't around much anymore. and carson really only had himself to blame for that. he could be out on the road with tyson right now if he really wanted to. but instead he had decided to stay here, preferring the normal life where he could just stay in one place and lead a fairly routine life. everything after the car crash had been so crazy and hectic for carson. there had never been too much certainty of what was going to happen next. and so all he really wanted was to settle down and just live like a normal person. maybe running drugs wasn't exactly the best way to make that happen, but it was what he had to do until he could find a decent job where he could make enough to afford the apartment by himself. things just weren't the greatest right now for carson. but he figured they would only get better from here on out. like he'd already been through some bad shit, so could it really get much worse? things could only go up for carson williams. or so he hoped.
carson was a complex fellow for the most part. like upon first looks he had that whole baby look that made a lot of people attracted to him. but then whenever most anyone approached him he turned into some evil bitch. and unless you really stuck with it, carson would stay like that forever with someone. but then those who did stick with him got to see that nice side sometimes. but inside carson wasn't the mega bitch he was outside. he had normal thoughts and normal functions and he didn't just think about how much he hated the world all the time. that was probably the sort of impression people got but carson wan't entirely like that. and sometimes, just sometimes, he really did get good feelings and he actually liked people and cared about them. take jullia for instance, carson cared about her and he loved her and everything, and yet he will still a jerk to her sometimes. but that didn't mean he loved her any less. it was just how carson williams was programmed. the only person he was always nice to was tyson and that was just inevitable. it was just that carson found it so hard to actually let people know that he cared about them. someone could have that control over him but he would never let them know so that they couldn't use it. he was so damned afraid of getting hurt and losing people. and so he tried to push away people who wanted to get close to him, tried to keep that friend count down to a minimum if he really could. and for the most part he was good at it. but there were always the select people who could work through it. the people that didn't give up and made carson second guess his personality all the time. people like jullia and theo.
that damned theo. carson was so torn over the kid that he half had the nerve to just tell him to fuck off and never talk to him again. but then carson would look at that damned little face of his and lose all of his nerve. like who in their right mind could really tell off someone like theo cooper? not even carson williams could sink that deep. sure, he could make himself be a douche to theo most of the time, but he always felt bad about it later. but he still made theo think that he was all tough and mean, even if he really just wanted to friggen' hug the kid all the time. carson was just like that. he didn't know if he would ever really be able to show some true emotion to anyone. but if he could, he was pretty sure that theo would be the first to know. because if there was anyone that carson really wanted to show emotion to, it was theo cooper. he just couldn't help but feeling like theo was some lost little kid that he wanted to take home with him and cuddle up with on the sofa and watch movies with and giggle and just be a normal person with. okay, maybe that was going a little far. but carson just wanted another tyson now that his brother was away. and theo would be his top choice. it killed carson when theo looked away for the first time, the softness in his voice. carson always felt bad when he made theo act and feel like that. but did it stop carson? of course not. he just couldn't help himself, not even with theo. "what's new there?" carson muttered under his breath, half hoping that theo wouldn't really hear him. but of course he would, he was right there within reaching disitance. and carson wouldn't have said it if he knew theo couldn't hear it. damn carson.
theo's explination of how he got here made carson smile, just a tiny little smile. but it was a smile nonetheless. he could just picture theo aimlessly walking around and not really paying attention. but it was also a little scary to think about. because, even though carson would never admit it, he would hate it if anything ever happened to theo. "watch yourself next time. or you might end up somewhere worse," carson said with a brief nod, "and with someone worse than myself." as bitchy as carson might be, there were far worse people out there. people who would go crazy things to a little guy like theo. things that made carson cringe just thinking about. theo's giggle drew carson from his thoughts and he looked back up at him. a half smile was plastered across carson's face as theo buried his head. theo's words made him smile just a little bit more. "you don't have to hide it from me theo. it's perfectly normal for you to want to see me," he said with a cocky smirk. carson knew he was good looking, but it was mainly said for show more than anything else. "but speaking of lovely," carson said with a pause, "i can't see your pretty face when you're hiding in there," carson said with a nod. he reahced over and gave theo a playful poke in the side, smiling a little wider than before. it was just how carson was. one moment he could be a jerk and the next he was a smiling fool. but theo just did that to him. although, knowing carson he'd start being a jerk again in a few moments. it was like a constant struggle for carson to really keep one tempermant with a person for the whole conversation. like he didn't want them to get one emotion from him the whole time. but with theo it was so hard because the guy never fought back really. he was so quiet and sweet that carson really hated being a jerk to him, hated himself for doing it. he beat himself up over doing it whenever he went home. and so carson dropped his gaze back on theo, or what little parts he could see of theo. he could tell the other boy was smiling, could just see it in his eyes. and carson couldn't help but let his eyes get a little alight as well. damn theo for making him go all soft.
For theo he didnt really have many huge highlights of his life after his mother just ran off, actually even when is mother was there anyone looking at how they lived you wouldn’t exactly see that as a highlighted life but for Theo it was one part where his family seemed exactly that, a family and it wasn’t like he was being shipped off to one place or another just because his father didnt have the time to take care of him, even if he had the money. You could say that Theo formed a sort of hate towards his father for doing this, taking theo away from what he craved to have a family. Theo had been the closest to his sister because he had always been the one taking care of her, due to the disabilities she had her father couldn’t handle her, but Theo didnt want her to just be left alone and he watched over her. At the point that they decided to separate the two that was when theo sort of had it. And realized just how shitty life was slowly going to become, loosing any sort of family he did have at that moment and things progressed from there. In a way theo would rather have had it just in one dose, because then he wouldn’t have to go through the slow pain of loosing his family as they became ore and more distant to him and he went further and further from where they were living. The only connections that they had now was the fact that his dad still put money into the bank account that just really piled up. So really theo had money, he was just afraid of using the money his dad sent him all the time, really if you imagine it through the years he hasn’t touched that money it really was quite a bit. Maybe someone would come along that he actually would want to use that money for, but right now he didnt feel like even touching it. Theo was trying as best as possible just to have no connections with his family at all so that was one thing he believed to be a connection to his family and his past. Something he didnt like at all. His hate towards his father was really quite bad for everything his father had put him through and with nothing but just wanting to get rid of him, theo never really understanding his fathers decisions. Because he didnt even bother trying to call theo so that had to be saying something, Theo really believing that money was his fathers only friend. So his best memories were always of the time when his parents were together and they had somewhat of a family.
If you have ever met theo you know that he is very easily attached to people, sometimes people that just don’t treat him right either. You see that because he really is so vulnerable and weak that often people will use him over and over again yet Theo still tries to believe that they think of him as a friend. Though theo isn’t the exact same, even with Carson he always is questioning whether he actually sees him as a friend or just someone else to be a jerk to, yet theo also cant do anything like leave him. Getting very attached to people he often will go through hell to just try and get some sort of friendship. Theo believes that he has at least got to that point slightly with Carson even if sa lot of the things Carson says does hurt theo in some way. Theo has gone through quite the bit of pain when young so having to deal with it otherwise effected him a bit more, even some words, especially of the feeling he got with Carson at times that he was unwanted was something that hurt more then others. Theo still stuck with Carson, he saw small points in which he was actually nice to theo and perhaps did need him. Yet theo at times just felt like leaving and seeing what would happen and not think about the fact that cason was nice to him sometimes. Theo wasn’t one to leave people but he also wanted to feel like he was just slightly important in someones life. He didnt care whos as long as it was someones because apparently nobody in his own family ever thought of him as being even the slightest bit important. Which hurt but theo had long passed that feeling towards them. Sure it made him strong in a way but it also made him vulnerable and it made him one that will basically be hurt over any sort of abandonment hence why he denied really any relationships at all for quite the many years. Even now it is quite hard for him to open up to anyone and he wouldn’t let anyone, at least he didnt think he would ever be able to, know about his past. Theo was someone who was very hard to gain his trust by anyone so often times you would find him acting like he likes you and would trust you with anything but in actuality he probably wouldn’t tell many people anything at al. He is a very scared person, who really just didnt know how to trust anyone at all, since he always got hurt when he trusted.
Theo was just waiting for Carson to tell theo to leave him alone. Theo wasn’t sure if it would ever happen or if he would actually just leave him alone so easily but theo believed that it would happen eventually. Theo believed that he got on carsons nerves to the point where he was just someone there that he used to yell at. But really theo didnt want that day to happen, him telling theo to leave him alone because it would probably hurt more then dealing with him being a jerk. Because really theo didnt know how much more abandonment he could take before theo just gave up on people in general. Really it would be something for theo to do, getting a pet, which really seemed like a good idea right about now. But theo wanted to get a kitty. Maybe that would be his first move on using his fathers money. To give him some companionship. Theo flinched quite noticeably when he heard carsons words and he closed his eyes for a moment to stop himself from overrecting over just those few words. Sighing a bit he shuffled away from Carson slightly so that he wasn’t in arms reach anymore and he stared ahead instead of at Carson now ‘sorry’ he muttered once again not exactly sure what he was supposed to say other than that. There really wasn’t anything to say but it at that moment had hurt quite a bit, what Carson had said to him. Like he didnt want him here right now. But for some reason theo stayed put just stared away from him so if not to really figure out that he was thinking so much. Theo understood Carson to an extent but he didnt tell him much and he was always a complete jerk to him so there was only so much he knew well until he decided that he would actually talk to him about why he really acted this way. With the chances that theo had it would be very unlikely for him to hear from him at all like this ‘would you rather be alone’ he asked clearly blinking a few times. Why the hell did he feel like crying over the simple words that Carson said. Maybe being abandoned so much made him fear too much for that to be the same with Carson and him. But still he didnt want to end up looking like a fool crying in front of Carson.
Theo had never expected Carson to be one that worried much, actually on the contrary he didnt think that he gave two shits about what theo did as long as it didnt irritate him. Theo had always been someone who wandered around a lot so it wasn’t weird for him to do something like this but the reaction of carson’s was actually what bugged him. ‘mm a little too worried are we now’he asked with a smirk. Theo did have his points where he did have a bit more motivation but still nonetheless nobody would ever be scared of this boy, just because he was so timid. But when Carson smiled it was a bit easier for him to talk more freely. Theo laughed, freely ‘yes because Carson you are just my one and true love and not even an alleyway like this will stop me from seeing you. What would you like next flowers sent to your house each day? Notes hidden in your fridge? Because ill gladly comply’ he said batting his eye lashes and smiling looking back down at the ground. Weird how easy it was to joke like that around him even if he was an ass about most things he still was easy to talk to most of the time. But really as much as it wouldn’t seem like it theo and Carson were fairly close and every time theo tried to learn just a little bit more about him. Because theo still didnt quite understand him. Theo couldn’t help but blush, he got embarrassed easily but this made him hide even more then he was before his big eyes the only thing that Carson could see at the moment ‘i doubt your talking about me there. I think you might have me mixed with someone else. Are you seeing properly today’ he asked him finally after he knew his blush had crept away he raised his head and smiled just so that he didnt end up forcing him to do so. Plus as longas he didnt get more embarrassed he should be fine he believed. There wasn’t much that could go wrong normally. Theo just usually found some way to have things not go exactly as planned.
carson had never really been the kind of person to flirt with guys and put himself out there for other guys. he just wasn't that type and maybe he just wasn't too horribly interested in a relationship or even any kind of romance. if he really wanted to be with people then he would have done something before now. he would have put himself in a situation to have a boy friend or to have sex. but to carson, those things weren't that important. he figured it might be fun or interesting but he just didn't feel the need to actually have sex or anything until he actually met a person he really liked. he had a hard enough time getting friends and people he trusted. so it would be a whole hell of a lot harder for him to actually find a boy friend who would want to deal with all of his mood swings and emotional baggage. most people just didn't seem to want to be with the guy who was always talking to them like they were the most stupid person on the planet. it just wasn't something that people enjoyed and carson understood that thoroughly. he knew that people hated him and he could honestly care less about it. the people who hated him for the way that he was were the people who really didn't desere his respect in the first place. and those who actually did stick with him were the ones who got his respect. on special ocassions. carson did seem to have a pretty warped way of thinking, but it was exactly what made him the person that he was. and as much as others might hate him, carson seemed to love himself most of the time. well, at least he loved all the parts besides the one that killed brennon.
but carson had never really gotten that sort of attracted vibe with theo. like he thought theo was absolutely stunning and everything, but he just couldn't really picture doing anything with him. theo was more like .. a teddy bear than a boy friend potential, you know? but that wasn't to say that carson would ever turn theo down if he wanted to do anything because it was so damned impossible to turn down theo. but carson couldn't really see that happening since theo was so damned quiet and nervous all the time. so he didn't really fear ever having to get that sort of attatchment to theo. he would never admit it, but he was attatched to theo in the friendship way already. it was just impossible to not like theo. carson dared anyone to try and not love theo the second that they met him. christ, carson hated that he felt so soft whenever he was around theo and he hated that he couldn't just keep a consistent mood whenever he was with him. he couldn't just constantly be mean to theo without feeling like the biggest douche ever. but he couldn't just be nice to him the whole time because that would just kill the total carson mood and make people think that they could just walk all over him. it would probably be a smart idea for carson to just not hang out with theo so that he wouldn't feel such a dillema. but carson couldn't really imagine not having theo around now and besides, they lived a little too close to each other for carson to avoid him. directions was a small place, and the slums was even smaller. carson couldn't go a week without bumping into theo at least once.
damnit. would it ever be possible for carson to not feel like such a dick when he was being one to theo? it shouldn't have been such a hard task but theo just had to go and make everything harder with his pretty face and his quiet persona. and it killed carson, it really did, but he couldn't stop being a jerk to theo because it was just who he was. but with other people he never felt this bad. damn theo. and right now carson was feeling especially bad. just seeing theo scoot away and hearing his soft tone made carson want to punch himself in the face. why did he have to be such a jerk all the time? carson wished that theo would look back at him so that carson could show his appology through his eyes, the only way he knew how to appologize. but theo was too busy looking off for carson to even show him. carson wanted to tell theo that he really didn't have to be sorry for anything. he shouldn't be appologizing just because carson had said something mean to him. carson should be the one who was appologizing. carson finally let out a sigh as theo looked back at him. "no no no. stay," carson muttered lightly. this time it was carson who dropped his gaze. he hated seeing theo look like he was crushed. it was like seeing a little kid who only got a sweater for christmas. they just had that look like the world was crashing down around him. carson hated himself for making theo look like that with just a few words. it was all theo's fault for being so soft and cute. or maybe it was all carson's fault for being such a jerk all the time.
so maybe carson had acted a little bit too concerned about theo's well being. he really was concerned, but it wasnt like he wanted theo to know that he cared about him that much. but carson knew that he could just play it off one way or anoher or just drop it all together and theo would never really know how much he cared. which was exactly the way that carson wanted it. "i just .. don't want that on my concience," carson said with a curt nod. he tried to make it look like he was just brushing the topic off and acting like theo didn't matter that much. because that was exactly what carson wanted theo to think. he didn't want theo to know what a hold he had over him. carson let out a small giggle at theo's next words. he nodded quickly and finally looked back up at theo. "i totally knew it, theo. you know, both of those things sound great but i was thinking more along the lines of you doing my laundry and cleaning my apartment for the rest of my life," carson said with a small smirk. wouldn't that be nice? having someone to do all of his work and everything. "oh, and you could pay my rent while you're at it," carson added with a wink. mmm. theo's blush made carson's smile widen just a little more. he was pretty happy that theo finally poked his head out though, it made him feel a little better about earlier. "shut up theo. quit being so damned modest," he said, giving theo's leg another soft shove. he was gorgeous and he needed to know that, if he didn't already.
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